I'd rather be dead

I'd rather be dead than spend another god damn day in my fucked up life. (No, I'm not suicidal. I'm too much of a wimp to actually kill myself. Hurt myself, yes, if you count ramming my head into things. Maybe professional help isn't quite out of the question....)

Mel Brooks had a movie called "Life Sucks." An apropos description, yet I've managed to put up this facade of things being okay. They're not. And things have to change.

I'd love to wake up the morning of January 1, 2006 as a new person. But it wont happen. But I can make changes. And that's what the Phoenix in this site is about. The rising up from the ashes.

So I begin 2006 with this process of starting over. It wont be easy. It'll be ugly at times. It'll hurt. But it has to be done.

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Comments

hammackj's picture

What is so bad about your life? I just found your site via a wordpress plug search, I am curious why you think your life sucks so much.

-jacob

dawn's picture

I hope that you are able to take the steps that you want to and need to take to get where you really want to be. And please know that I am here to listen.

david's picture

@hammackj:
I was in one of those moods. I don't get them very often. I'll post more later.

@dawn:
Yay! my gravatars do work! And I know you're there! But after your crappy month, I didn't want to burden you with my nonsense.

Layla's picture

Just happened upon your blog. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I can relate. This is a really great looking site, I like the photos, the simple look, good job smiley

david's picture

Thanks for stopping by, Layla.

The site's going to be doing through a major theme change soon. (Well, once I get the comments to work correctly on the new theme. Which is odd, since it's the same comment structure as I have now.)

e's picture

I'd rather be dead too............

david's picture

hope you can work out whatever's going on.

deadlyserious's picture

Hell I would rather be Dead than live a life of physical pain and loss.
4 years ago I got fibromyalgia it completely screwed up my life.
Chronic Fatigue to kill your energy,Brain Fog to zap your ability to think,
Tingling and pain in Hands and Feet. Depression it goes on.
Cant be diagnosed or treated.................Great
So world get ready to lose your job, home, self esteem, physical beauty etc...
I spoke to a recruitment consultant today and he told me I am unemployable
So I agree with your sentiments I really would rather be dead...........

jason's picture

its been 2 months since my girl left, we had 5 years and 2 kids together, now she seems to be moving on, but i seem to be doing worse, i cant get over her, and i'm at the point where i cant find why i'm holding on except for the boys, i really dunno what to do

penny stocks's picture

well you are not alone
these things do happen in life

Depressed's picture

Life is beautifull, come on! You need to wake up and enjoy the life! Look at the future, it is promising!

Mac's picture

Hey man common cheer up!
Don't look at the world with this vision. If the life gives you a thousand reasons to cry then show the world that you have million of reasons to smile. So cheer up and be a brave man and show the world that you have millions of reasons to smile.

you know who it is.'s picture

aye man, life is hard. Be happy bro, be happy that you are alive. because life--is amazing. just to breathe, see, hear, everything man,
i suggest you smoke some weed forreal bro. MAKES YOU HAPPPY as fuck! i hope you're doing okay man, i'm ALWAYS nice to everyone,
i neveer steal, cheat, bad shit like that you know? i have a big conscious. which kinda sucks, but it's whatever man, i try to be happy..
but when i come to realize all my problems, i have a shit load. but eyy, just live your life man. Smoke some weed, and don't just try it once.
do it until you get high bro, because when i first did it, HATED it. 'til i got high, trust me man, you'll be the happiest man on earth. there's so much to say about life, i just can't really get it out when i'm sober, i need a good hour to explain to you, while i'm high.

jeff (depressioncell.com)'s picture

Life is beautifull, come on! You need to wake up and enjoy the life! Look at the future, it is promising!

Anonymous's picture

Well I know how it feels, for me Im just tired of trying & see death as the only way to find true peace from others & even myself

Its 2009 now. I believe that your life is not that suck anymore. You are still blogging right? So i assume your life getting better. And i do hope you do.

Anonymous's picture

i'm a 27 year old virgin.... im under the assumption that im a bad person

Guest's picture

Dude, i feel your pain mate. I had exactly the same situation. been split 6 yrs now after having 6 yr relationship. felt like u do pretty much every day for the past 6 yrs. recently itho i have been using the pain to fuel the nager and as a result i have begun to want to move on whereas before i didn't. its a long tunnel dude but there is light at the end. dont give up. I also have kids but i have 3 and from 2 relationships. people dont believe love can be so powerful even when you have been shafted from on high but it is and i know it. just rememebr u cant give uop or all the pain and heartache and dealing with things have been a waste of time and the biggest hurt wont be you or your ex it will be the kids and none of us have the right to hurt children like that. Man up and say Fuck it. It takes time so keep saying it.

ali-bye's picture

i'd rather be dead too. I have literally sat on the couch for 3 years thinking that. I can't get a job because of all the lies people make up about me are taken as truth, and everyone else just thinks i'm paranoid. No one even asks for my version of the stories, they just whisper behind my back. My life is a futile exercise in suffering and apathy. I wish someone would shoot me in the head because i don't have the guts to do it myself. I don't have any friends i can trust and even my dad and my sister don't like me very much anymore because they think i'm mad. I don't even think anyone would come to my funeral. If they did they would probably celebrate my death. One day soon i will probably do it finally and everything will be over. Sometimes life is just horrible and there's nothing that can be done except kill yourself.

Squirella's picture

I've just g**gled the expression 'I'd rather...' and found this place. Would be nice to know all of you in person. Ali-Bye's message has touched me a lot and I would like to talk to him/her saying:
I might know how you feel. And I am convinced that people would come to your funeral - as people show up on funerals for all kinds of reasons, sometimes just because of fulfilling an obligation to the 'what might others think'-society. Maybe your dad and your sister really don't like you very much - looking at myself when I am depressed and miserable, even I don't find myself a pleasant person to be around. And don't even want to be in my company myself! So your dad and sister might just show their frustration that nothing they do helps you to become a happy-lucky-cheery person. The type of human behaviour that is set as the 'gold standard'.
I have found great calm and strength in the thought that I don't have to live for others. I don't care if anyone comes to my funeral. I just spend my lifetime wandering and wondering on this planet and try to be what I consider being a kind person.
We'll all die eventually. As long as the suffering is bearable, I shall hang around. It would be great to have the company of someone like you, Ali-Bye. Try to hang in a little longer.

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